A few days ago, while down a ‘continuously clicking on recommended videos in the YouTube sidebar’ rabbit-hole, I found myself watching this video:
“Why that video Aisling?” you ask. Well, I don’t think it matters why it was that particular video – I mean no one engages in logic while deep in a YouTube spiral – but the point is, I was watching this video on ‘London Scammers’ when I first laid eyes on the enigmatic perfume brand that is ‘SEXXY-SHOO.’
The ‘scam’ that plays out in that video isn’t so much a scam as it is just a really crappy perfume deal. But, I’ll give you the gist of it; sales man implies that the shop he is standing in is closing down so he is giving away free perfume to anyone passing by – on the condition that they tell their friends about the new shop which is to be opened in it’s place. The sales man then begins handing out free nail polish (?) so a small crowd gathers (including some crowd “members” who are actually part of the act and always interact with the scenario). Once a small crowd has amassed with the promise of getting free aftershave and perfume, he begins by drawing attention to the brands ‘Desire’, ‘Together Forever’ and ‘Aqua Classic’. Obviously no one has heard of these perfumes before but blinded by the ever alluring guise of ‘FREE STUFF!!’ they remain standing at the stall while he hands out bottles to one or two people.
Once the salesman is confident he has the crowd sufficiently mesmerised, he introduces the real show stopping deal. One of the perfumes – which allegedly retails for “£40” in his shop in “Oxford street” due to “the shape and size of the bottle”- can be theirs for just £20 today and they will also receive all the other perfumes he has mentioned for free.
So what you’re doing is paying £20 for one shit perfume and getting a few boxes of other shit perfume for free, when really the accumulated value of all the shit perfumes is probably less than £10.
Okay sales man, you conniving little weasel – you better make this perfume you want people to pay £20 for the most appealing perfume ever. I don’t want to hear of any ‘Together Forever’ or ‘Aqua Classic’ amateur bullshit – you better be pulling out the big guns now. What is it called?
It’s called Sexy Shoe.
I cannot believe someone actually devised a concept for a perfume shaped like the most un-sexy and un-flattering shoe a pantomime dame would probably wear and called it SEXXY-SHOO.
I feel so compelled to know more about this perfume!
SEXXY-SHOO appears to be the creation of London perfume brand ‘Laurelle’ and it has sexxy sisters:
Who’d have thought you could snap up these for just £5.95 each – an even better deal than the highly esteemed sales man was offering on the street!
They’ve even got these special edition SHOOS:
I mean, those are really spectacular – but I think Laurelle should go one sexxy step even further and bring out special edition SHOOS modelled on these:
A light floral scent with base notes of sweaty black cotton sock and top notes of leather.
SEXXY-SHOO is such a hot commodity that the price seems to vary wildly from site to site. Apart from the £5.95 steal I found on Fragrance Direct, prices for SEXXY-SHOO range from potentially FREE if you enter this #SHAZCOMP on Twitter:
€4 on Adverts.ie:
£12.99 on beautybase.com
Or if you’re in Australia, this modelling network will sell it to you for the discounted price of just $50.
I personally think they do a really good hard SEXXY-SHOO sell:
“They look amazing sitting on my desk, I want one for each of my models” – a powerful quote which has been attributed to absolutely no one.
“Sexxy Shoo is a quality perfume rage created by Laurelle London, supported by Sarah Jessica Parker, Peter Andre and other celebrities” – I see Laurelle London has made three different Peter Andre fragrances for women that I didn’t even know existed and they also appear to have bought the old licensing for Sarah Jessica Parker perfumes – despite not making them – so yeah… that’s basically the exact same as saying celebrities love SEXXY-SHOO. I’m down with that tenuous link.
“Profits go to assisting model safety and raising industry standards through this network.”– I get it now, they’re selling SEXXY-SHOO at the discounted price of $50 to the people on the books of their modelling network to raise money for keeping models safe and raising industry standards. That seems… logical.
Oh look, here’s a photo from an event featuring both Aussie models AND the perfume!
Pro Tip: If you are really serious about modelling, do not under any circumstances accept representation from any agency which does not endorse SEXXY-SHOO perfume.
And if you happen to be from the admin of a modelling agency and reading this, don’t think you can just go endorsing some imitation shite like Carolina Herrera ‘Good Girl’ and expect it to be the same thing.
There is only one perfume name in modelling and it’s SEXXY-SHOO.
I’ll leave you with the two different super cinematic big budget production adverts there are for SEXXY-SHOO:
The premise of that one seems to be that the guy really hates his girlfriend and wants her to induce a migraine by spraying four different SEXXY-SHOO scents directly onto her face before she’s even eaten dinner. Then he just says ‘Fuck the dinner, come service me in the bedroom’ and leads her away – as the very grammatically correct tagline for the perfume appears on screen:
‘TOO SEXY TOO RESIST’.
Obviously following up to that advert was a huge feat but they managed to pull this out of the bag regardless:
Guy sees girl spray on SEXXY-SHOO at a hot party. Girl leaves the heel part from her SEXXY-SHOO bottle behind, but let’s be honest – when the heel of the bottle is separated from the toe it isn’t very clearly a heel – it could be anything. A plastic red coat hook or something. Anyway, with no discernible game plan to distinguish where she could possibly live, the guy goes searching from house to house holding the red coat hook. Eventually his search miraculously leads him to a basement flat, where the girl opens the door to him and he awkwardly shakes the coat hook at her while grinning in a really unsettling way.
I couldn’t understand why I was so intrigued by SEXXY SHOO, or why it seemed so strangely familiar. Then I realised that it’s because everything about SEXXY-SHOO – from the branding to the tv adverts and the design – looks like the literal outcome of a perfume design task on the Apprentice.
– Aisling Abbey