Ah, Dale Winton’s Supermarket Sweep. One of many classic after school tv shows you’d watch re-runs of while eating your dinner. I completely forgot this show existed until I caught an early 90’s episode of it on some cable channel a while ago. While revisiting this programme as an adult, what sticks with you is the sheer elegance, refinery and glamour the early 90’s contestants brought to your tv screens. I feel it’s only right to play homage to these leaders in style of their time, as we rate the Supermarket Sweep Stunners:


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Jimmy & Julie

Jimmy’s shirt looks like wallpaper we used to have in our old downstairs bathroom, while the green block of colour in the middle is very ‘darts player down the local pub’ chic. Not really taking any risks in the barnet department – Jimmy has gone for the classic short black and sides, with minimal on top. Had high hopes with the shirt but could try harder Jimmy. 5/10

Julie’s blouse has a very audacious, car-sickness colour palette; yellowy orange, green and purple. I can only imagine it is absolutely saturated in that powdery perfume that every woman over a certain age and every older female teacher you’ve ever had wears – you know the one. You don’t know what it’s called but you just know the smell. Bonus points for the bling.
Julie’s barnet is the clear winner here; her sandy blonde poodle perm is so out of control it looks like a mullet – and what a mullet! It screams: ‘Stop asking me to smoke around my kids, I’ll do what I damn want!‘ Trailer trash but well maintained Trailer trash. When it comes to style, Julie is definitely the risk taker in this relationship. Own it Julie. 9/10


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Jeanne & Mark

Jeanne has the same classic fluffy white hair my nanny used to have and I love it. The amount of peroxide she would have had to use to obliterate any colour pigment in her hair and hairspray (at least a can and a half) to get that ‘danger danger! high voltage’ volume – all in the name of S T Y L E – is admirable. A demure yet defined cheekbone, streaked with terracotta blush and some black plastic button earrings complete a look Blondie Pat Butcher would be proud of. 9/10

Mark’s mam clearly still buys his clothes for him. Going to mass are we? You look like a fool next to Jeanne, Mark. 1/10





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Isobel & Kris

a.k.a The Poodle Twinz. Here’s a photo of them chilling out before the recording:

Poodle Twins
The thing with twins is they usually want to be seen as two separate people with two separate personalities, so Kris has this covered with her attention seeking circus clown blouse. We get it Kris, you’re the cool twin. Your name was also probably initially spelled with a ‘C’ but you changed it to Kris with a ‘k’. Isobel is the quiet one. You form such a strong pair that I can’t bare to judge you ladies separately though, so you get an overall: 7/10.

 

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Steve & Jared

Steve and Jared look like two men responsible for the disappearance of many children throughout the nineties. They definitely own a white van. I don’t trust either of them. 0/10

 

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Helen & Val

Helen and Val both share the spirit animal of young Deirdre Barlow and who are we to blame them?

Anne-Kirkbride-obituary.-Coronation-Street-Deirdre-screengrab-YouTube

They are exactly the kind of gals you’d want for company should you ever find yourself stuck on a desert island or in a wilderness situation. All you would have to do is direct a blazing sunbeam through those glasses lenses and voila! Fire. Blazing flames. You could start a bush fire with those specs. The smug expression on Helen’s face says it all. She KNOWS she can be dangerous. They may have came in their co-ordinating maternity colour pyjamas but on top they mean business. Don’t mess with Helen and Val. 7/10

 

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Louise & Tina

In every event there will always be showstoppers. The people who go above and beyond, the people who put the effort in, the people who put everyone else in their place. Enter Louise and Tina! Where do we begin?! The exquisite matching mushroom cloud hairstyles that really blow away the competition? The gold clip on earrings? The salmon sun and moon and polka dot print blouses? The shoulder pads? The harsh blush that dances across half of their face?
Tina has ACTUAL sideburns! S T U N N I NG.
Bow down bitches, these ladies are well worthy of the Supermarket Sweep Stunners crown. 100/10

And lest we forget the catchphrase of a lifetime: ‘Next time you’re at the checkout and you hear the beep, think of the fun you could be having on Supermarket Sweep!’ 

– Aisling Abbey
@bawdyfox




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