Anthropomorphizing cereal mascots is one of the many things I enjoy doing. Sure, they’re all just fictional beings with the collective goal of trying to sell you cereal, but what about their hopes and dreams? Their tastes? And most importantly, are they sound? Let’s find out.
Tony The Tiger is probably the first mascot you think of when someone asks you to picture a cereal mascot. He’s a popular lad, a relentless go-getter with a ‘can-do’ attitude; the talented college jock who probably likes Avicii and wears Paco Rabanne 1 Million.
The issue I have with Tony the Tiger isn’t that he seems a little cocky – I think he’s more confident than he is cocky – it’s that he’s obviously fallen victim to the Instagram beauty standards of the time and completed a total 360 on his image.
This is how Tony used to look back in the day:
Can you believe it? It’s like he wasn’t comfortable with his softer image so he started upping his protein consumption (possibly taking steroids, speculation but who knows) and spending hours at the Kellog’s gym. (I assume Kellog’s workers have a company gym, just like Guinness has a swimming pool for it’s workers. I feel like part of being Irish is always knowing someone who has access to the Guinness swimming pool through some connection. It’s just one of those things. But anyway, I digress-)
It’s a pretty startling transformation.
Tony, you were perfect as you were. Though some would think you vain, I think your insecurities just make you more human. You’re vulnerable like the rest of us, and therefore keep your likable quality.
Ah, the Spar Sugar Flakes Rodent. One of the more low budget mascots I’ve come across and quite hard to find a decent photo of on the internet. All I could source of you was this extremely low rez image:
Luckily I still have video evidence of the first time I laid eyes on you, in the Spar on Jervis St (Sidenote: during the time I worked in Brown Thomas and wore a plentiful amount of makeup and favored extremely bouffant hair, but hey, we all go through these phases.)
I don’t know why Spar decided to use a rodent as the face of it’s Sugar Flakes campaign, but then again, the Choco Flakes mascot of the same brand isn’t any more refined
It’s a monkey who’s wearing a wife beater and nothing else. Like a little riddled street-wise version of Abu from Aladdin.
I think I’m wise to the Sugar Flakes Rodent and Choco Flakes Monkey’s whole shtick. They’re the unsuspecting street creatures who would try to distract you by having CF monkey do some kind of elaborate busking dance while SF Rodent steals your wallet. They’re working together. They’re trying to take your money, disillusion your kids on what a suitable choice of breakfast is and steal your women.
Nice try, you thieving bastards.
Verdict: NOT SOUND
The next mascot doesn’t even have to fight his case, there’s no question on whether or not he’s sound. Because you know he just is.
The Sugar Puffs Honey Monster! I love him. He’s a really decent bloke. You could just text him like:
And he’d always come through for you! Do you know what I mean? Like you could be at a session arguing over who’s going to walk to the off license when it opens at 10, but who wouldn’t have any issue getting a big bag of cans for the lads (just as soon as he’s done blocking out the natural light now filling the room by taping sheets over the windows, in an attempt to keep the preserve the vibe)?
And you know the next day he’d offer to spoon away your hangover and encapsulate you in his shaggy warmth too. He’s just infinitely lovely.
Verdict: SOOOOOO SOUND
The Coco Pops Monkey has an edge on the Choco Flakes monkey purely because he’s wearing jeans, but I feel like he’s someone who pays way too much attention to labels. He’s dressed head to toe in what I assume is the monkey equivalent of OBEY or some shit, and throwing up some kind of half-assed Pharrell Star Trak hand gesture. Defo bought a Supreme brick, defo judges you for not knowing what that is.
I want to like Coco The Monkey, but I feel like he’d judge me for wearing Ugg boots on those days where I just want to be comfy. I CAN WEAR WHAT I DAMN WELL WANT COCO.
Verdict: Hard to say.
WAIT A MINUTE, wait a minute. In my research, I’ve just realised there aren’t any female cereal mascots. WHY AREN’T THERE ANY FEMALE CEREAL MASCOTS?! What a literal outrage! We are living in a patriarchal cereal mascot society ladies! Major sads.
Someone needs to sack off Coco the monkey and replace him with “Coco” the macaque. She could be a girl, she could even be trans, but she is DIVERSIFIED! (And defo wouldn’t judge me for wearing Ugg boots.) Take note Kellogg’s.
Well, unlike some of you people I actually have a life and don’t spend hours at a time pondering the personality traits of fictional illustrations, so I’m now off to start my day.
Until next time.
– Aisling Abbey